The truth is nobody was ready for this and here we are, our lives turned upside down by this little big thing. We can not positively talk it away, neither can we affirm it away. It is just here terrorizing us, day after day and it is taking lives of the ones we love.
I have always known how ugly the world is but the past two weeks have made me realize that the ugly is here to stay. No amount of prayer is going to take it away, we remain in a battle with control and human beings are getting desperate to sit on thrones. Who will save us? What will save us?
I have been deep in thought and sometimes I wish I could stop myself from thinking. Unfortunately, there is no switch button fro the brain, here is what this pandemic has done.
- MY ANXIETY IS PEAK – the uncertainty is in my face and I can not shove it away. I am an African, based in Africa, the one continent that was never ready for this pandemic. Many countries were hanging by the thread, not to mention my home because it is beyond falling apart. The effects this pandemic will have on lives, economies and family dynamics is one we can not begin to imagine.
Sleep feels like you are walking into a death sentence, I want to stay up late enough to say I saw the last sunrise if anything happens to me. I want to talk to the ones I love and make sure they know I love them, I want to protect them and save them from this.I can not blink without seeing death. - I AM SCARED – scared might not even be the word, the word I need is not yet in dictionaries. I was born with broncho-pneumonia and when I get the flu, you would think that I am about to be no more. So you can imagine what happens to my heart if I hear a single cough or sneeze from the other room. I start sweating immediately.
- I HAVE BECOME OBSESSIVE – I have always loved clean spaces but now, I am what they call, ‘over the top,’ I am not taking chances. I was my hands too many times, I clean surfaces more than I have ever done in my life. Yesterday I went as far as the light switch too. My mind stays in, ‘what if,’ mode.’ What if it didn’t die? What if there is a new one? What if????
- I APPRECIATE BREATH – any other day, it isn’t anything. Usually, the death of a loved one is the one that reminds you that you are blessed to have life. Now the internet reminds you every minute, with every update. When I open my eyes in the morning, a part of me wants to say a thanksgiving prayer to the virus for missing me, to death for giving me another shot at loving my people, to life for partnering with me.
- I HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO CREATIVITY – I know for sure that this lockdown is going to be way longer than our leaders are telling us in Africa and for the past couple of weeks hidden talent has surfaced and I am here for it! It has been absolutely great to witness and as a creative, I am happy that the right people will get recognition at this time.
- I KNOW WHO IS THERE FOR ME – this is painful, but I guess a truth you actually need. We move, right?
- I HAVE A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF GREED & CRUELTY – see there is no better definition of it other than that government over there. In my head, each one dies a slow painful death but in reality, they continue to steal, kill and destroy. DEVILS!
- I AM IN LIMBO WITH MOTIVATION – we do not have the time we think we have, it does not make it any easier when our skin color makes us targets. I was born unwanted, I am deemed useless and filthy (that time I use soap and water better than them, meh). I am a threat and I could be shot down for breathing. Some days I want to do so much and some days I am thinking, is there a point?
But I have a message to spread and before death knocks on my door, I need to do all I can to take it as far as I can. I will start right here, on this platform( do subscribe). If this pandemic comes to an end and I am still here, you will see more of me. - I AM IN LIMBO WITH DEPRESSION – I was ready to work extra hard and achieve a lot of things this year but we are in the third month and it feels like everything is falling apart. I find myself drowning in thoughts about being cursed, then I talk myself out of it with positive self-talk. I am fine for a while until another thought creeps in again. This will be a long journey.
- I CAN NOT STOP MYSELF FROM THINKING ABOUT DEATH – I can not be the only one who has these thoughts lingering. I have panic attacks because what if I lose someone, I can not even attend their funeral. I haven’t been back home in two years and with this pandemic, Lord knows when I will step foot there. I have friends and family there and I can not imagine never seeing them again, my heart stops beating when I think about it.
This is my reality, I hope as the days go by it will all get better. I try to engage myself in positive self-talk as much as possible and I affirm myself. It doesn’t always work but when it does, life is bearable. I hope you holding up better than I am. I love you! CIAO!