Dear John

You too made it into my book, you are chapter 10 if you ever decide to buy my book. Ours is a love that almost gave our mothers heart attacks. I mean even today my family asks after you and how you are doing and that alone shows you the effect you had on me.

Why I thought we would last forever, I do not know. I really saw our wedding, our babies and a beautiful home. The nerve, the audacity to think high school love would go that far. We tried though with our on and off relationship. We could have had an on and off marriage too, they say they work just fine too.

You were my world, there is nothing I saw that I dint want to share with you. I loved your calm, worked very well with my dzungu (dizzy) and you got my jokes too. This also means your sense of humor is top tier, you are winning in this race of life.I went above and beyond with my corny gifts just to remind you that you were mine and I was happy. But now that I think about you didn’t match my gifting energy, you jut lost a point.

i was hung up on my first love for 11 years whilst he moved on. I talk about it all in this book. Go ahead and have a look.

I guess we were young and stupid, you hurt me and I hurt you back, it was one hell of toxic cycle. The problem became that I could not forgive myself for hurting you. I did not hurt you intentionally, what happened that night was not my plan but then it is my word against the worlds till today. And still I failed to forgive myself for it, and maybe for every time you returned I opened up the door because I felt I owed you. Maybe it wasn’t love I felt, maybe it was guilt.  

It took me a very long time to move past all of that including you. There was a season when I continously prayed for you to return to me. Every time you got in touch with me I thought it was an answered prayer and that you finally stay and love me like you promised me you would. But you always left and I would go back and ask God to bring you back. Just looking at your picture, my heart would beat out of my chest. I would find myself making promises to God I knew I could not keep just to be called yours again.

Here we are and we barely talk, I finally managed to forgive myself and let go of it all. I imagine you are living your best life and are still chasing the bag as always. I am sorry for the hurt that I caused you and I too have forgiven you for that girl, and that other one and the ones I never found out about.

I truly wish you the best in this thing we call life.



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