Dear John

Oh man, I am smiling silly already and that is the effect you have had on me for a while now. It is a beautiful feeling to have someone who chooses to make you smile everyday. I want to say I am lucky but nah, I am blessed.

You know you are gone when you smile just at the thought of the person, when you lie down to go to sleep and the moment you close yours they are the ones on your mind. I have been here with one too many John’s what I did not know at the time was that I was on my own in feeling all that I was feeling. What I was not aware of is that my smile then did not mean a thing to them.

So now I question my smile and I am afraid to smile because what if I am nothing but your experiment? What if, just like John 304 you want to see how long it takes for me to call bullshit before I weep into the night?It is absolutely crazy how someone else’s incompetence follows us into our happy days and refuses to leave. How could I still be questioning your heartfelt deeds just because someone else chose to do things for me with conditions attached?

But that’s it isn’t it? There is no way for me to know why you do it. There is no way for you to prove how true you are to me. I just have to sit here and wait for it all to work or fall apart. We often say, ‘actions speak louder than words,’ but then in this world you just can’t trust either of the two. We have both experienced people who ‘showed,’ us they cared only for them to call joker on us later. Clownery, we do not always apply for the position sometimes it hunts us down and we do not even see it.

Isn’t it crazy that you will not get to see me fully celebrate the things you do for me because of someone that came before you, because of someone who did not see what you saw. Someone who thought I was not worthy of much, except of course begging for their love and their attention. I wish I could change it all with the snap pf mu fingers but here I am stuck battling with the demons I was introduced to.

I promise that I am learning to be loud about the things you have done for me, I promise that I am learning to smile in the moment. It will take time but we will get there, one day at at time, right? For now you can check in with my heart, it will tell you that it is constantly twerking with joy. That smirk that looks like I am holding back laughter is me screaming, ‘I can not believe you have just done that for me, thank you.’ All my ‘thank you’s’ are genuine too, I am just afraid of sounding gone so I put a cap on it.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Love

uBu