Dear John

I miss you, every single day, I miss you. We went from toxic lovers to very good friends. May you continue to rest in peace.

Whilst I miss you, can we talk about the ‘fetish’ you had for standing me up? Maybe I wasn’t the only one, maybe you did it with many other girls too but I can only speak for myself.

Scenario one, you called me and said you missed me and needed to see me. The butterflies did their thing in my stomach and I couldn’t wait! You asked me to meet you at Fantasy land, the one opposite Eastgate Mall. You set the time and I dressed up, put on some perfume, some lipstick and headed out with my sister.

You asked me to order food when I arrived at the food court, I didn’t do that and I thank God. After waiting for at least 30 minutes, you called me and said you were outside and I should come to the car. Now imagine if I had ordered food and couldn’t afford to pay for it, I was a broke high school girl, remember? This is actually how the conversation went:

You: Hey, I am outside come to the car.
Me: Ok, I am coming.
You: But you don’t even know which car I am driving today. (Rich kid problems)
Me: Ok, tell me the color and where you are parked cause I am not good with cars. (Sis and I have stepped outside to look for the car)
You: You with someone else, I am leaving. (Cuts phone)

I hope you enjoy my book!

We didn’t see a single car driving off, but you knew my sis was always with me so I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t see how that was a problem, you never moved alone either. I was angry, so we decided to head home. We started walking towards the taxi rank and just as we were about to get there, you called again to ask where we were. I told you and you asked us to wait right there you would pick us up in a bit. We waited, you never showed, never texted, never called.

Scenario two, you visited me at home, driving one heck of big beautiful car. I remember it cause I love big cars, I hadn’t seen you in a while and it was catch up, we vibed as usual then you said you wanted to take me out that night. Again, I was mad excited. I remember I wore my little red dress, a pair of heels, I did my make up and I waited. I fell asleep on the couch, waiting for you. No text, no call, nothing. You ghosted again.

These are the only two I will speak of today, but I know you know they were more and I guess I was the fool. I don’t know why I believed you, or maybe I just loved you like that. That was our relationship though, extremely toxic, you stood me up then ghosted me, I ghosted you as revenge. We truly were children.

Years later, when we started talking again I realized you were going through a lot and that maybe you did help me by standing me up. You told me about the places you went, the things you got into and I imagine I would have done it all with you in the name of love. So, you did care in a weird way.

You are probably the reason I show up late for things because those experiences made me afraid of showing up on time. It was humiliating to always be waiting for a ghost. I started choosing to be the late one, to be asked where I am so I know the person is actually there. Crazy huh? Goes to show how every experience shapes us.

Thank you for being in my life. I do wish you were still here, we hadn’t laughed about all the things we did to each other in high school yet, fool. I hope you are smiling down on me.

R.I.P my friend.

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