Another hard one to write, I am going to try and get through it without crying. I doubt that is possible but here we go. I am told that after the passing of my father you would dream of him daily, the dreams only stopped when you took me in. That has to be a sign that dad knew I needed to be under your wing and unfortunately, it wasn’t because you would be a great replacement for him but because you were married to a woman with a heart of gold.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me, she taught me life lessons I will never forget. She was kind and accommodated people she did not need to. She treated each person equally and loved without condition. You really made a great choice there. Unfortunately, you were so caught up in life to see all of that, you were out chasing your own goals that you forgot us.
You truly believed that your role was to provide and be gone, you had no patience and did not take the time out to learn more about us, your children. I thought myself as one of your children until I started to notice how differently you treated me. Maybe at some point you looked at me and saw a burden, an extra cost you did not ask for. I felt it, people come and tell me that you love/d me but I didn’t feel it. I think what you feel sometimes is guilt because you see what you did wrong, but is it love?
I was always wrong, mostly I was wrong for being myself. You needed me to be someone else so you could brag different with your friends. That is a task you gave me that I chose not to fulfil and sometimes it was involuntary, how was I meant to run from myself. I tried to be who you wanted me to be and life fought back. I was never going to be enough for you and I guess that is ok because I am happy with who I am.
I wish things could have gone differently, I wish you were more present and that you had gotten to know me better. The distance between us is one I do not think can be fixed, I have become comfortable with it too. I love that I found myself and that I live the life that I want, my life would have sucked as a doctor.
I had been angry with you for a very long time, I held on to that story longer than I should have. I allowed it to take over and give me ‘meaning.’ I woke up one day and told myself it was enough, you were not the father I wanted you to be and that’s that. I will never know why things happened the way they did, but it happened. I accept it all, I forgive you and I choose to be happy.
I hope you found your happy too.