Dear John

I still hear you say that you were better than me, I hear you shame me for taking creative direction. You really said to me, ‘you are 21 and you do not know what you are doing with your life. I do not need such a person in my life.’ Those words cut me deep and you knew they would, you chose to go low. You chose those words because I had been telling you about the things my family had been saying about me. A human being that chooses to hurt you on purpose is one that you do not need in your life and I know that now.

I cried but it was not for you to come back but it was because I had chosen you. I hated that I had seen goo din you because you were filled with brokenness and you wanted me to stay in your brokenness. You wanted to walk away feeling bigger so your college acceptance letter along with my pain was your idea of feeling bigger. I hope college did you well, I hope it gave you meaning or whatever. I hope when you turned 21 you knew what you wanted and you got it right away.

I hope you healed because whatever monster you were hiding in you needed to die. You hid behind prayer and claimed God was showing you the way, did he show you how to be kind? You often spoke about your sister being an angry person, so were you. Now that I think about it, your sister really hated me, and till today I can not figure out why. I bet y’all drank to that after we broke up.

We saw each other a lot because of church after we broke up and I have to say that the one and only thing that helped me was to mentally block you out. I realize now that all the other weird things you did after were to get my attention. You hated that I was not coming back, didn’t you? You truly were a child.

I shouldn’t have forgotten you though, I should have dealt with the pain right there and then. I should have unpacked everything that happened and all the mean things you said to me. I would have healed faster and not walked around carrying insecurities that did not belong to me, those were yours!

I have finally let go.

Love

uBu