Dear John

I guess you said goodbye before I was ready. I wanted to say goodbye back but I choked on my words because that’s not what I wanted then. It’s not what my imagination had given me, so why was reality handing me rejection. It hurt to watch you carry on with life like you had not said you loved me and wanted us to be together, forever. You turned your back and just like that your world had changed, almost felt like you had prepared for the change long before you said goodbye.

Matter of fact you didn’t have the decency to give me a proper goodbye. You simply did all the things you knew would hurt me and then you disappeared into thin air. And yet I still held on to the hope of your return. I hope that somehow you would feel my love and it would knock some sense into you. I was foolish. I do hope your cowardly ways have died now. I do hope that you can finally use your words to say that which needs to be said. When I think about it now, I see how afraid you are of hurting people by telling them how you truly feel and you think ghosting is a better solution. Well, it isn’t.

For a while I blamed myself for the way things ended, I felt like the child that left their birds cages open and the window too. Today I realize you were going to leave anyway, you were never looking for love. It scared you. And I get it, we didn’t exactly grow up with the best examples of what love should be. It all looks horrible, it looks like pain and sorrow. We both watched the people we loved hurt because of love, the things we see when we are younger are built into our subconscious and they play out as we grow.

I wouldn’t know if you figured it out yet, that your story is just that, yours. That nobody needs to determine it for you. I too realized that despite what love has been for others, mine will be what I want it to be. We have the power to change the narrative and no, it’s not weak to love. I know twitter says it’s weak and that there is need to cautious and hold back. Remember that words spoken by one are reflections of who they are, why would you choose to live by some one else’s reflection?

We didn’t work out but I would love to see you find love and start a family. I no longer hold on to the pain or the ‘could have beens,’ because it’s all in the past now. We tried, we failed and it’s ok. For a season, you were the one that got away. Now? Now you are the one that I wish healing for. The journey of becoming is a long one, I just hope you are on the train at the very least. Good luck.


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