Dear John, John & John

Each of you was special, different and possessed qualities I still think about from time but I walked away from each of you for different reasons. So here is to addressing each one of you, well the ones I can remember at least. That also doesn’t mean that I did I went around breaking hearts, do not get me wrong.

John, you were amazing, you were sweet too. It was nice to get attention from the guy the entire was talking about, you were low key and still famous. I don’t know if things would have gone differently if I was a little less scared of breaking the rules, that is the first thing that got in our way. It was a little too early, yeah I know you are going to tell me that later on, I broke the rules anyway, this is true but you did not come around then too. And I mean it was high school a lot of things got lost in translation, people interpreted your actions and I took what they said.

Remember when you danced to Maidei and everyone said that you were dedicating that song to me? I was mad and felt the need to prove to you that I could move on. Such a silly thing to do, I do imagine if I had given you a chance we would have a great time. You were very shy but so was I, still am. I do doubt it would have gone far though, so maybe it was better off that way.

Oh then there is you, well you genuinely scared me. Everything you did made me feel unsafe. You never asked me to be your girlfriend, you demanded that I be your girlfriend. I am older now and I realize my fear was justified, you had very rapey behaviour. You felt nobody was ever meant to reject you, so when I did you made my life a living hell. You were very forceful, I kept saying no and it became worse, you tried to snatch me in the dark after study. Why did you do that? I escaped that by luck, everyone else thought it was funny, I did not. From that night, I made sure I walked back to the dorm walking next to the toughest looking prefect. I would have never given you a chance then, I would not do it today.

Finally, you who saw nothing but yourself. I am not sure where you thought I fit in your life when you could barely recognize anybody else. My eyes were a mirror for you, you searched for yourself in me and I could tell there was no way we would go far. I hated that you could barely be present for anybody else, you were stuck in your own little bubble. After your good looks, there was nothing else and I couldn’t imagine living a picture-perfect life that had zero substance. It was not what I was looking for. Now that I think about it, you thought you were doing me a favour by even looking my way, didn’t you? Shame.

I hope you all found love, healing and meaning to your lives.

Love

uBu