I sat across from him, he smiled at me with such a big smile. But they do say nothing lasts forever and they never lied. His body was cold as a corpse and the look in his eyes was so dark. In that moment I knew I was alone, in that moment I knew it was the very end of what I thought would be the beginning. I felt the world around me take a spin and spit me out with no regret whatsoever. Reality barged in without a notice, so rude.
But now you see me and you judge me. Never have you asked me my story, you are all so opinionated it’s disgusting. You run your mouths so much your ears are out of business. Under using your brain daily and it seems ok because that is the buzz, right? You quote the bible so much and you must think it wipes your sins away, so pathetic. I know your skeleton pile high in the closet and believe me when I say some day that closet will break, let’s see if you will walk on water after that. Stop and listen, and I mean listen to understand and not to respond.
I told him, I told him we were expecting and his response was, ‘who is we?’ His seed was germinating in me and he had the audacity to ask me who we was. His memory had suddenly vanished of the times he yearned for the wide spread pleasure. He had also forgotten how much he loved the feeling of his skin against my skin. He even forgot the late nights in bed when he said we would be forever. I found myself pregnant for a coward. When he left that table in that restaurant he was done, he didn’t care, he was done. Just as well I lost everything that day because my father passed on. My only other friend, his family said I wasn’t theirs to keep and threw me out on the streets.
He was a rich man who passed by and threw coins at me, and still made sure the entire town believed I was cursed. How was I to get a job? I looked like a curse, my whole life looked like a curse. I started to believe I was a curse carrying a baby that didn’t deserve to be birthed by a curse. So yes, I aborted. Yes I killed my baby because there was no hope in me. No amount of prayer was soothing the pain that lived in me. I had nothing in my hands to fix me or my life. Nothing! And till today I hear my baby’s voice in my head, every day. So no, you don’t need to remind me because my baby does it just fine. I started a hashtag #blackissexy to cover up the fact that I mourn my father and child every day of my life. You lot thought I like wearing black daily?
I played a big role in the death of my child and I take responsibility for it but here is what amazes me. The man who planted a seed in me gets not lash back for the part he played. This man turned his back and he becomes the hero in all of this? Him who hid this and instead flashed money and yapped his mouth about riches is the respected human being. I am not looking for praises I just need an explanation how it is that I am evil for my honesty and his lies are applauded? Because money? What is it? Help me understand. Why a woman must carry her shame until she hits the ground but a man is understood and let go. Why doesn’t a woman deserve forgiveness?