I hear your cry dear child, I feel you anger dear child. I know you feel unwanted and rejected.I know if you could you would set her on fire and let her burn. Hell is her destined place is what you think. If life could allow you a chance to strangle her it would be on your wishlist. She never allowed you the chance though. She sent you away packing long before you could imagine. Just when you thought it was your time she and her weapons told you, your time was up. She took you on a road trip, a road trip to heaven after inflicting so much pain on you. I imagine you weep for her to stop, to just give you a chance to prove that you are just but a blessing. I hear you ask her to let you love her just for a while. I feel your heart beat real fast in so much fear. You tried to stop her but it was a hopeless situation on your end. You gave up and gave in. But already you were ready to love her, she has something to say to you:
I am sorry.I never hated you but my pride wouldn’t let me fall. I could not stand to hear people say I had lost my way. I could not imagine what it would be like to have the world know what I was doing in the dark under my sheets. I had sleepless nights because silent voices were playing in my head, telling me I was headed to the end. I told your grandmother but she was worried about her status at church and she would not be shamed by me and my carelessness. As I had been her jewel for so long she had to keep the world thinking that I still was. I promise, I loved you!
Your father on the other end abandoned us, you and I. He denied knowing both of us. Looked at us as though we strangers,yet you were so small. Today I do not know where he is, I loved him too. I trusted him so much.
I shed tears when I think of you. Surely you could have been my blessing.I wish I had let you make me have those crazy cravings of things I never dreamed to have. I wanted to feel you move and kick. I wanted to go and see you progress as you developed slowly over 9 months. I wanted to feel the cramps of love and fight for your life.I wanted to pop you out and hear your cry.
Dear child today nobody wants me because I cannot have another you. I listened to your grand mother who had me at the same age as I would have had you and today she is taking me from one witch doctor to another yet this is my punishment for plucking you out of me. Today I am paying for the things I did to you, you innocent soul. I am sorry my child. I have your blood all over my hands, this I can not wash away. You have no grave that I can visit because instead I had you plastic wrapped and thrown in a dump.
I could blame many but truth is I let them and its all my fault. I am sorry my child. I hope heaven treated you well. I bet heaven loved you way better than I could have ever loved you. Oh how I wish I could claim you back. How I wish pride and grandma could give back what they took from me, you beautiful child. I long to hold you and sing to you. My tears burn my cheeks when i think of you dear child.
I love you so much. Please forgive me. On my knees I fall and ask you to forgive me my child. Reach out to me from the heavens and tell me its ok. Rather pull me in and let me be with you. Please my child.. I am your mother, yes for years I acted like I never knew you. Yes, they asked about you and like Peter I denied you. I said I never knew you, yet you were with me everywhere I went. I am ashamed today, and I just want to let you know that I am sorry.
Your assumed birthday comes by and I sit in the dark with my eyes closed and I imagine you there. I imagine you sing happy birthday for yourself. I see you scramble for the cake I told you not to have. I see you dance out of rhythm with joy. You are right, I took that away from myself.I stripped it away and left myself bare and empty. Now I will never know yet I yearn to.
I love you dear child. I guess this is my official heartfelt good bye. Good bye.