‘They told me it will all get better, the pastor said he saw a bright future and I should hold on to his word, pray and serve in the house of the Lord.I tried but nothing changed,I spoke positively at all times. People started to look at weird for everytime I said, “it is well,” I guess cause nothing looked well in my life. So, yes I stopped, I was not about to be a failure and still talk crazy. Then my friends began to make it, they flew off like rocket ships and watched each of them go. I began to hear the voices of my relatives ring in my head, telling me how useless I am. Telling me how I would never grow to become anything more than what my father was.I felt myself run out of breath so I lay down, I closed my eyes and I saw heaven. I saw a man call my name, said it was time to rest.I opened my eyes and maybe it was a coincidence but there was a knife right in front of me. I blinked and I saw the rag that I was, my heart broke, it hurt and I couldn’t imagine another day of who I was.The knife came to me and I ended it all, ended my pain, ended my shame. I did not leave a note, what was the use? Who would have missed me anyway, what was I giving away? 2 t-shirts,a pair of jeans,a pair of shorts and 2 pairs of shoes? All ragged too, they were all too rich for my rags. I hear them say I was so young and had potential, they see potential in my blood? 23 years of living and they saw a failure, my death opened their eyes, how sway! But since you want to know why I did it, I was tired, I was all cried out, my heart hurt all the time and my soul was weary.’
I imagine this is how some people who commit suicide feel. Life becomes overwhelming sometimes and I guess we never have the answers on how to get past it. The pressure of being a success and pleasing those around you piles up day after day. When things do not go as planned, panic hits and depression waves and draws in. What I have learnt over the years is we will never make it at the same time, giving up won’t fix it so hang in there KING/QUEEN. Keep working hard and push forward. Another important thing in life is we need to check on each other, GENUINELY. I have stopped opening up to certain people in my life because I guess they are too busy to listen because their responses are so off. There is therapy in sharing but it is scarring when the person you speak to is unbothered. Be sensitive to other people’s feelings, it takes so much to share. You either a rock or sinking sand. We are a generation of, “I been busy,” for whatever reason this is such a cool thing. Too busy to care, too busy to love, too busy to check, I hope money will care, love and check on you. Ciao.