I TERMINATED: A KING WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN TODAY

Our baby would have been born today, do you know that? Our progeny, bone of my bones Our pleasurable mistake but the universe’s manifestation of my deepest desires I am pregnant, three little words with so much weight so much meaning Words with the power to rip us apart or bring us together for a […]

Our baby would have been born today, do you know that?

Our progeny, bone of my bones

Our pleasurable mistake but the universe’s manifestation of my deepest desires

I am pregnant, three little words with so much weight so much meaning

Words with the power to rip us apart or bring us together for a lifetime with us being the former

I agonised and you were nonchalant, I guess that was your answer to what we would do

Mambo would have been perfect, big head with my eyes.

I would have felt less alone in the world, scared af but happy, content

Swaddled in soft fleece and my love

10 perfect fingers, 10 little toes for me to awe at

I would have felt an upsurge of love,an indescribable tenderness towards that little creature dependent on me for everything

Someone who’s sole purpose is to love me unconditionally (for at least 10 years)

It would have made the labor pains all worth it

My heart would have been full, almost bursting at the seems with love, with pleasure.

I know this because I imagine having a baby and I feel that way…

Do you think about him?

Do you wonder if we did the right thing?

Made the right choice?

Because today would have been his birthday marking his entry into the world I imagine with a sound akin to a war cry

Coming into the world already angry at its fuckery, guns blazing.

But we chose to take a short cut, the easy way, the coward’s way.

I deserve the pain I went through, God was punishing me for giving myself demigod status

Choosing to take something I had no right to, selfishness that knows no bounds

And now the guilt weighs me down like a ball and chain

Some days, like today the pain chokes me so much I can’t even breathe

Some days I just cry, I can’t tell the world the shameful thing I did but the lump in my throat never goes away

Some days I just hold my head up but deep down I am bleeding, all the happiness is slowly seeping out of me

I feel like my heart’s gone through a shredder

I can’t forgive myself, and I wonder if maybe just maybe you feel the same

Because he is gone and all that’s left are broken pieces

And no matter how hard I try to pick up the pieces I can’t put myself together again

Did you know our baby would have been born today?

Written by
A woman in pain

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