Our baby would have been born today, do you know that?
Our progeny, bone of my bones
Our pleasurable mistake but the universe’s manifestation of my deepest desires
I am pregnant, three little words with so much weight so much meaning
Words with the power to rip us apart or bring us together for a lifetime with us being the former
I agonised and you were nonchalant, I guess that was your answer to what we would do
Mambo would have been perfect, big head with my eyes.
I would have felt less alone in the world, scared af but happy, content
Swaddled in soft fleece and my love
10 perfect fingers, 10 little toes for me to awe at
I would have felt an upsurge of love,an indescribable tenderness towards that little creature dependent on me for everything
Someone who’s sole purpose is to love me unconditionally (for at least 10 years)
It would have made the labor pains all worth it
My heart would have been full, almost bursting at the seems with love, with pleasure.
I know this because I imagine having a baby and I feel that way…
Do you think about him?
Do you wonder if we did the right thing?
Made the right choice?
Because today would have been his birthday marking his entry into the world I imagine with a sound akin to a war cry
Coming into the world already angry at its fuckery, guns blazing.
But we chose to take a short cut, the easy way, the coward’s way.
I deserve the pain I went through, God was punishing me for giving myself demigod status
Choosing to take something I had no right to, selfishness that knows no bounds
And now the guilt weighs me down like a ball and chain
Some days, like today the pain chokes me so much I can’t even breathe
Some days I just cry, I can’t tell the world the shameful thing I did but the lump in my throat never goes away
Some days I just hold my head up but deep down I am bleeding, all the happiness is slowly seeping out of me
I feel like my heart’s gone through a shredder
I can’t forgive myself, and I wonder if maybe just maybe you feel the same
Because he is gone and all that’s left are broken pieces
And no matter how hard I try to pick up the pieces I can’t put myself together again
Did you know our baby would have been born today?
A woman in pain