It’s 22:37, I have Ed Sheeran playing in my headphones and everything in me wants to scream and punch the walls (I would probably hurt myself). I have somewhat accepted that 2020 has definitely taken a wrong turn and the plans I had may not have a chance anymore. That’s just the reality.
On some days I am ok but tonight, I am not ok and let me tell you why. I am in this country, on my own, I fend for myself and the anxiety of whether everything will come together in time never goes away. The anxiety cripples me and I can barely concentrate on work, it’s so hard.
I have to talk myself out of the anxiety and strengthen myself because if I don’t do what needs to be done, I suffer. My life, my responsibility and to be honest it’s tiring. Client’s don’t care that panic attacks have scheduled themselves into your day to day. You still need to show up and give 100%.
I can only imagine how bad it is for those that are still going to work, supervised and expected to act like everything is ok. As if the world isn’t falling apart right before our eyes. As if we don’t already have enough problems to deal with. As if the news on the radio doesn’t tell us how as Africans, our life is almost a joke in the eyes of our leaders.
If there is a time I have ever envied people who have parents, this is it. I wish I too had somewhere to run to for a break, for some love and a hug. Trust me I would have packed up and walked to them if I could but here we are. Death knocked on our door and both my parents answered, one after the other. So, we adult.
I am exhausted, there is only so much one can do right? And the truth is, I am not the only one going through this, we just smile and wave through it all. We hope that the following day will be better than the one we had. We tell people we are ok because we don’t want to burden them with our depression because they too are going through it.
We may play games and joke around all day on social media but I know reality hits hard when we log off. When it does, right there, on your own allow yourself to feel. Go through the motions and let it out because acting strong will be the death of us if we are not careful. It’s ok not to be ok, I keep reminding myself daily because I am guilty of being strong.
Whether or not we will make it out of this alive is an unknown fact, but if we do it’s because we took care of ourselves. That includes our mental health, so please find a healthy morning and night routine. I love you. CIAO!