Before we go far I want to make something clear, I noticed that a lot of people confuse being self-aware and being self-conscious. These are two very different things. Being self-aware is being conscious of your character and feelings whilst being self-conscious is when one feels uncomfortably nervous in the presence of other people. Self-conscious people often suffer from anxiety because all they can think about is how the people around them are judging their appearance. I struggled with this for a while to the point where when I started jogging I did my best to leave the house at a time I felt nobody would be in the streets cause I always felt like eyes were on me and people were judging me for trying. In my head, all I heard were people saying, ‘what is this fat girl doing?’
Has it completely faded, no it has not and I finally figured out where it came from. It started at home when people often looked at what was in my plate and shared their two cents on how I should eat less because I was too fat. Even when I was home alone it started to feel like there were eyes on me all the time, judging what I am eating. Because of this, no matter where I went I always felt like people were judging me for the food on my plate and the size of my body.
It changed me, I became very bitter and angry. I was very defensive even when I did not need to be. At times people would be having innocent conversations around food and body positivity and it always felt like they were trying to attack me and I would explode. It was not a nice feeling at all and it did not help that high school had scarred me enough too with the mean comments. I had to sit down and confront my demons, I questioned why I always felt attacked.
And that is when my journey of being self-aware began. I started to trace back to the roots of all my triggers, and most stuck to my childhood days and the way my weight gain was treated by those around me. The words that were said to me stuck with me and they turned me into an angry little girl. The anger was controlling all areas of my life, depriving me of finding happiness. But that time was up so I decided to undo the damage one step at a time.
I addressed my feelings one at a time, and now I can safely say I do not overreact because I am aware of my triggers and where they stem from. It was not fun to go through the emotions and replaying the memories but it helped to reconcile with myself. It allowed me to express myself better when people touch on these topics, today I can write a blog post and not rant, darling that is growth. Our beliefs are sometimes tied to the things that we went through, it doesn’t make them true but we hold onto them long enough to believe them.
And so I am challenging you to sit back and question the triggers. Try starting off by writing down the painful experiences that you went through that actually hurt you. You will find that you often think back to them involuntarily, the reason why this happens is because you have not dealt with it yet. You will also find how these incidents have shaped you, your triggers and your beliefs. Self-awareness is the beginning of peace for you, the journey however is tough . Good luck!
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