Life was not so easy being a working single mom and it doesn’t get easy, l must say. I was working so hard because l had to provide for two kids alone. I was working at the office every morning and had to make sure l would be done by 10 so l could go and work at my second job. It was so difficult but it had to be done. I am a hard worker, I pride myself in that, so l pushed. Emotionally l was lonely and l didn’t even have friends or family nearby so it was really tough.
One day as l was working at the office someone came to me and said, you are so beautiful l would like to marry you. So l just looked at him and l didn’t even respond, it was so unexpected. You should know by now, l did not even take it seriously. He wasn’t working there full time he used to come and do some services here and there. So l just continued with my work and ignored this guy. So he came again another day, this day he didn’t say much. So l was also just minding my own business. Then we were outside and he asked me if l had thought of what he said. At the time l had even forgotten about what he had said the last time. So he reminded me that he had said he wanted to marry me. So l was still surprised because honestly, who does that?
Besides l was not looking to marry anyone. Surprisingly l started meeting this man a lot, even at the mall. I don’t know if we had always been meeting and l just did not notice him because he had never spoken to me before. Every time we met he would say the same thing. I actually started enjoying the attention and was even looking forward to meeting him although l didn’t know anything about him.
As time went on l started seeing him a lot, at work at the mall, he would offer me lifts if he met me anywhere in the road. I actually enjoyed the attention and the flirting but something in me didn’t sit well with him in my heart. Maybe it was my 6th sense. This man was well off and l remembered that my previous relationship went sour, the more money he made he would change for the worse with the clubbing and sleeping out.
l did not want someone with money l thought to myself. So l told him I wasn’t interested. It seemed as though the more l showed him that l wasn’t interested the more he wanted me. This went on for a while he never gave up. On the other hand, my ex was also still begging me to come back. So l was the center of attention. After a while l got a better paying job in a shop at the mall so l stopped working at the office. That meant he was not seeing me at the office anymore but when he met me he would nag me so much. So l asked one of the ladies l was working with what she thought about him, and she actually laughed at me. She said I was stupid for not considering it in the first place, I should have held on to stupid.
Yes, l decided to give it a try. So l was in a relationship once again. I remember the first kiss, it was out of this world. I have never been kissed like that in my entire life. If l go on to talk about the sex, it was the best sex l ever had. At this point, l understand why the Bible says no sex before marriage. Because sometimes sex will have you making wrong decisions based on sex. My sexual experience with this man was just out of this world. In the midst of fire strokes, I started noticing his love for control. I am not sure if he was insecure or if he just wanted to control everything and everyone around him.
If l would miss his calls it would be a very big issue. He would isolate me from friends, he didn’t want me to have friends he would say they are a bad influence, he would choose my clothes, l could go to the salon today and go back the next day to redo my hair because he didn’t like it. I was not even allowed to go anywhere without his knowledge it was so draining but l just couldn’t get out of the relationship. When l think back l wonder if l really did love him or l just enjoyed sex. By the time l was living with this man l was no longer myself, everyone around me could see it but l was the only one who was blinded.
I thought everything was ok. If l annoyed him he would slap me and l was the one to say sorry to him although he would have wronged me. But going through all this l stayed with him. l was broken l felt empty and worthless l felt like there was nothing l could do because it’s a choice that l had made. Financially l would pay more of the expenses and he would only pay rent. Sometimes l would sit and ask myself why am l was there. I thought maybe the only reason l moved in with him was because l was pregnant.
When l was pregnant he was still the same he never changed. But he did change after the birth of our baby. He was in the labor room and witnessed the birth of our daughter from then on he treated me like l was his world. He actually apologized for everything he had done to me and promised to be a better person. He would cook for me and clean, he would have never done any of this under normal circumstances. We were actually happy. And the sex was always so good, it was just multiple orgasms. Got tongue respect where it’s due, right?
Things began to change financially, he was no longer making as much money as he did before. He began to change again. He became moody, at times he would not speak at all in the house. The situation kept on getting worse. He would start telling me how l don’t add any value to his life. I was just useless. He told me how other women are making it out there and buying cars and l was not adding value but l was actually a burden to him. Although l tried my level best, l was still going to work leaving home at 4 am and coming back at 8 pm. I was emotionally drained and always exhausted.
He began going out and not coming back home for days. He began cheating on me with better women. Women who had value women who had what I did not have. This broke me. I also thought about what people would say if l left. Thoughts of the reality that all my children had different fathers flooded mind. Was I the problem? I had to be, so I stayed because I thought I could fix myself.
I remember one weekend he didn’t come home, he left for work on Friday and did not come back. I was invited to an event by some guests at work. So l went, it was on a Sunday. I remember l bought myself a dress just to look much better because l didn’t have nice clothes. While l was there l got a call from him asking me where l had gone to so l told him l am at an event. When l got back home l was locked out. I tried to call the baby sitter but he had taken her phone so l could not communicate with her.
Luckily someone was at the gate so l managed to go into the complex but he wouldn’t open the door for me. I knocked for almost an hour and l started calling out. That’s when he finally opened the door.
Soon as he opened the first thing he said was, ‘Where have you been, how can someone’s wife be wondering off how ever they like?’
I thought to myself, you haven’t been home in 3 days but l just kept my cool and asked the baby sitter why she was not responding to my calls and that’s when she told me he had taken away her phone. So l went into my room, I wanted to relax a little but this man began calling me names. He called me a bitch. He tore up my dress and accused of having a boyfriend that purchased the dress. I was so angry l could not hold myself back.
l had so much anger, l became a beast that l never thought l was. I felt so strong and l began to lash out on him. As he tried to slap me l held his hands l was so strong l felt like there was something in me, he was surprised because he always beat me up and he would have me aplogizing in the end.
I remember l pushed him on our glass table and it broke instantly l was so pissed l told him every little thing in my heart. When ever he tried to slap me l would hold his hands and l said to his face, “you will never hit me again!”
As l was holding his hands he hit me with his forehead on my lips and l started bleeding so l let him go. He shouted, “YOU ARE A DEMON!”
I had made up my mind that l will never allow him to beat me ever again. So he left and went away. He was gone for over a month. When he came back he explained that he had gone for a job. He apologized and promised that he would make things right. I believed him, I had hope in me.
That week he was always home early, if he knew he was going to be late he would call me to let me know. I thought it was finally happening, he was changing. One morning as l was getting ready for work l reminded him that it was the last day to pay rent and he told me not to worry. So I left for work as usual. While l was at work he kept calling me asking me where certains things were and l told him.
It was so odd l got so many calls from him that day. End of day came and l passed by the baby sitter to get my daughter and then went home. When l got home l was puzzled the curtains by the French door were not there. l open the door to the shock of my life. This man had moved out and phoned the landlord to let them know that we were moving out. I broke down.
“WHY GOD? WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE WRONG, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR IT, I AM TIRED OF MY LIFE.”
I cried more than l ever did even at my mother’s funeral. I was heartbroken, confused, lost but mostly l was angry. I couldn’t even control myself. I was left with nothing at all, no hope and nowhere to begin. I had given this man 5 years of my life and in those 5 years he had torn me, broken me, abused me, and then finally he took everything from me and left. I knew how heartless he was because he had not only left me, he had left his daughter too. With absolutely nothing.
These series of events built an angry woman, a woman with low self-esteem, a woman with love but who didn’t know how to give it. My children paid a price they shouldn’t have, I didn’t know what to do with the anger that was in me. I didn’t know how to contain it, how to get over it. So they felt it. I hate that they had to go through this and I realized that i had to change. I had to start a journey of healing and forgiveness not only for them, for myself too. I wouldn’t want to die with all this anger in me, each of these men are out there living their lives and I am here holding onto ugly memories. I decided to take my lessons and keep it moving.