He had that look on his face, the one he wore when he wanted to say something that would hurt me. I saw it, from the time I woke up, I decided to mind my own. I ignored it, I was not going to ask for it this time around. Then it was combined with the pacing and the smirk. At this point, I knew he was going to say it anyway. And he did.
‘You have a problem, you need to see someone about it. You need to talk to someone because you crave for attention and it should be something from your childhood. You didn’t get enough of it so you want it so bad. You think you are smart, you are not. You are not smart at all. You are so easy, very easy. That’s why the mystery man had you, cause you are that easy.”
I waited until he finished repeating those words to me in so many different ways. I don’t remember if I replied him but when he was done I got up and went to sit by the staircase. I called my sister, and the moment she answered all I could do, was cry. It’s all I had, I had nothing else but tears. I couldn’t calm down. She kept telling me I would be ok, when I finally told her what he said to me she was angry. She wanted me out of there that very minute.
I remember sitting there a little longer and replaying everything in my head. I started to see the changes that had happened to me in the time I was with him, I had lost myself, completely. My confidence, my self-esteem, everything. I was scared to try out anything new and that was not me. I was afraid of being myself because when I tried there was something wrong with it. He had broken me one step at a time and I allowed it. I let it happen and on that day he had finished me off. Stripped me of myself.
I knew I had to leave, he may have loved me but he didn’t know how to love me. There was only so much I could take and I was tired. I was empty. I was angry with myself for staying that long. I wished that I had told him everything I wanted to, that I had broken him the way he broke me too. I wanted to, but my heart wouldn’t let me.
So a few days later, I told him I was done. I absolutely sugar-coated my reason, I blamed it on myself. I don’t know why I did that. The truth was right there, but even in leaving him I protected him. It didn’t matter anymore though, I was free. I had the opportunity to start over, find myself and be happy. It didn’t matter to me whether I had given the right reason or not, I was ready to get myself back again.