X found a new place and guess who was in the front line to help him move, your girl! I was so excited and in my head, I was about to live happily ever after. I remember getting to the old place and the landlady was sitting outside, monitoring movement. She could barely look me in the eye and said not a word to me.
Common courtesy to clean up the place before leaving, right? So I clean up and head to the bin to throw out the dirt, woman protested! Asked me to leave with my dirt. Listen, I was way too shocked to argue so I carried my dirt. I regretted it the next morning cause all of a sudden I had the words and the courage to dump the trash in that bin. Too late!
The new place was not what I expected. It was alright but not the picture I had in mind, well he painted a beautiful one for me. I received the rasta version. As usual, I convinced myself that this was temporary and this would be our bottom before we get to the top. A beautiful love story it would be.
Our housemates were married with a son, they were also really loud human beings. Add a child that cried for possibly no reason. This child reminded me every day, why I am in no hurry to birth a child. I was unemployed, with just my music & my blog to keep me alive and going. My days were a routine, wake up, eat, bath, watch tv, eat, WhatsApp, supper & sleep. Monday to Saturday, shake up the week with a Sunday at church.
Every Sunday I would leave that church with hope that something would change in my life. Monday I would be on a high until the rest of the week came and I would still be in the same four walls playing wife to a man who had not paid a dime for me. I would walk in and out of mini-depression moments. I didn’t really talk about it with anyone because I felt like I would receive judgment so I kept to myself.
This one Sunday, I was dressing up for church. I wore this skirt that I loved so much, it meant a lot to me cause my sister gave it to me. X turned to me and immediately his eyes were cold. I knew what was coming next, he hated it. He said it made me look way older than I was so it was a no. Needless to say, so many of my clothes received no’s and I didn’t realize it but I became a puppet. I gave away those clothes, I was promised a revamp with clothes that worked for my age.
Not once did I stand up for myself and own my style, a voice in my head kept saying, ‘you need to keep him happy to do what he wants.’ The song that society has planted in many of us ruled and I started to lose my power and myself slowly. I can count the number of times we went shopping for me, most times it was mostly because there was a church event and I had to look the part, right?
I sought approval from him whenever I wore something. I needed the yes so I could feel confident, without it, I felt I was not making him happy and that was a taboo. I felt I was going to embarrass him out there. I see now that I sacrificed my happiness a whole lot earlier than I realized it. I put him first and abandoned myself. Sounds like a trophy wife life only without the riches doesn’t it…