You Need To Look Out For Red Flags In Friendships

by | Jan 11, 2022 | Love, Sex & Relationships | 3 comments

When I hear the phrase, ‘life is unfair,’ the positive human being that lives inside of me wants to counter that with some positive energy. 9/10 it feels like I am covering up and refusing to learn the lesson that is being presented to me. I never imagined that I could find something to replace this statement, but I did. The famous, ‘if they want to they will,’ fit the bill in my case. I felt my heart break and I hated the fact that I had handed this person many chances and all they continued to hand me was cold turkey. I ate it up and surrounded them with warmth, whuuuuu chile!

When we talk about relationships we often forget the impact that friendships have on our lives. We are so fixated on our love lives we don’t pay enough attention to the hurt that can come from an ended friendship or the mistreatment that comes from it. I loved my friend so dearly, they meant a lot to me but they had a knack for treating me like I did not matter much to them. They apologized a lot to the point I started to question if I was the problem. Or if I was expecting too much from them and if I should have slowed down, and kept my head down.

It was in the little things, like us making plans together and they would never make it on time, we would almost always have to add another hour just to accommodate them. It was in how they would never consider my feelings when it came to certain things. Their actions were incredibly selfish, it was to serve them before anyone else. When we had conversations about the things that hurt me their response was, ‘I have a lot on my plate and I do not have the time to accommodate that,’ or ‘this is just how I function, I am sorry I hurt you.’ At some point I found it to be daunting to get into a conversation with them, they always said they wanted to solve things but when I look back now that was not the case. They wanted to feel like things were ok by hearing me saying that I was cool with them.

In one conversation we were talking about how they had ignored that I was unwell and needed help for just one day considering I had been present for them most of that week. Again they said they had a lot on their plate but it was one question that really made me realise that they did not care as much as I thought they did. They said to me, ‘what would you have me do?’ Mind you the help I needed would take an hour of their time MAX. I could not believe my ears and so I walked out, I looked out for myself and it was that day that I decided that I could never count on them ever again. It was time for me to heal and move on.

What I was not prepared for was what came right after. The following day, after our conversation they spent over two hours being present for someone else. The same person who had told me that they were too busy for anything else suddenly had the time to spare for someone else. And it finally hit me, it is me they did not have time for. I looked back and realised that many times when they had to choose between me and something/someone else I was rarely the choice. I overestimated my place in their life, I expected them to love me the way I loved them. For a while, I was angry with myself and I cannot figure out why I placed the blame on myself for that long. I do not know why I chose to carry that when this person had in fact treated me unfairly. I do not know if it was by choice or I was just their canvas.

Whichever it is, I learnt a very important lesson. There are red flags in friendships too and you need to watch out for them. You can not be the person overextending every single time and the time when you need them they conveniently cannot be present. The way people handle your emotions when you express them says a lot about who they are to you. This person made it clear to me that their actions to me were who they are, there was very little effort to be better and I just took that. Communication is not about receiving an apology, in fact, an apology almost means nothing if the action will be repeated because to them, ‘iriwhaririz.’ It is a hard reality and it was a lesson I feel I needed to learn.

I do not hate them, but my boundaries are up and I know where I stand in their life. Watching them be very present for someone else was the perfect compass for me. They are down the ladder on my list too because there is no reason for me to count them higher when they don’t either. Energy is what I will reciprocate, I owe that to myself. Do not keep planting energy where it is not being given back, it will drain you. Love yourself my darling. CIAO!