Dealing with the internal mental things that go on with finding out you were cheated on. Self doubt, low self esteem, bargaining etc
Who am I kidding, we all have plenty stories about this. We could write books and start podcasts about these experiences. The one thing that stands is how this truly affects us and each person differently. Please, feel free to use the comment as your venting space!
Let me tell you the story about the first time I was cheated on. Shuuu! So we will call him Yayo, started dating during the holiday, he was also my first super sloppy kiss. Eeeew! Back to school we went and I am excited to have scored him because was one of the cool boys, haaa!
The other girl was his ex, let’s call her Mo. They were in the same class. Mo and I had actually hung out a lot during the holiday, so I’m thinking we are cool but this girl out here seeing me as competition. What!?
So during the holiday I had given her my disc man, yes those where the days, and she was to return it when we were at school. Did she not start telling stories about forgetting it at home wharra wharra, I believed her but turns out since she was back with Yayo sis had included it as a birthday gift for him. Laugh with me!!!
It was an easy game to play, their dates would be in class, yes, with the entire class watching and nobody had the balls to tell me. I would see him in the dining hall, we sat next to each other anyway. Stop judging, it was high school!
How I found out? Mo pissed off the biggest bully we had in our stream and sis marched in my direction to spill the beans. I was shook but I had a whole team so firstly, I went and disturbed their little closet date, asked him to choose, he said nothing and I dumped him right there during the people.
That evening we jumped Mo, to be fair the bully jumped her, I was just there being loud. Got my disc man and closed that chapter. Oh, and I had ordered cake for this idiot so guess who had comfort food and music? Yes, perfect for a heartbreak.
The story may be funny, even I laugh about it but what I didn’t realise is what that did to me at the time. This of course kept happening, Mo featured in yet another one of my relationships, this girl! But the other men that followed kept cheating and I was breaking.
I became extremely insecure and my insecurity led me to try very hard to be someone else. I found myself looking at the other women and trying to be them because I thought that would make me loveable. That men would stop cheating, but it didn’t. Instead I lost myself.
So number one, do not compare yourself to the other person. That’s the beginning of your spiral. You will lose yourself and it isn’t worth it for someone who just didn’t see your worth. This is the time to affirm yourself and heal from the hurt, let go.
My self-esteem was on E. It was in the way I talked about myself, the way I walked into a room and in the way I interacted with people. My aunt always asked me what happened to me because so much had shifted, from being the life of the party, I started to play the background a lot more.
What I didn’t know then is that what these men did wasn’t a reflection of who I was, but of who they were. Their cheating had nothing to do with me. Which is weird because when we ask for the reasons, we are the problem. Think about it this way, if you really were the problem, why didn’t they just communicate and leave?
They need someone to blame for their person internal conflict but in reality, the victim did nothing wrong. That’s the most important thing to remember, forgive them and don’t hold on to their words.
I often wondered why I wasn’t good enough for these people. Why they chose someone else, was it my body? Was it the way I laughed? Was I dull? What was it?
This is also one of the top reasons why we ask the cheats the question, ‘why?’ Even in that moment we wish for them to acknowledge who we are and approve of us but they don’t and we take that with us.
The only approval you will ever need is yours. During the healing process, remind yourself that you are important, you are smart, you are enough and nobody can take that away from you!
I know y’all are going to say, you forgot the trust issues! I didn’t forget, I just haven’t figured out how to kick those out. I am still on that journey so if you have figured it out, again, feel free to school me via the comment section. Till Wednesday, CIAO!