It can’t be described in words yet here I am typing this blog post. Heartbreak is one thing we all have experienced, whether it’s losing a loved one to death or just going your separate ways with someone you thought you would build forever with. Of course the pain that comes from these two scenarios can not be compared because one means that person is gone forever whilst the other leaves a chance of reconciliation. It’s a hard space to be in, whether it’s you who left or the other person left you.
In most cases the pain has a reason behind it, the person cheated, the person stopped being present, the person changed. In my past experiences the breakups are always painful, and there is always the screaming and the shouting that comes with it. The hurtful words that are exchanged leave dents in people’s hearts that they carry with them for a while before polishing them away. It’s the struggle of not being able to express what you are feeling and people around you telling you it’s for the better that makes it hard to get over the hurt.
I experienced something new in 2020. A breakup that felt like a love letter, so soft and kind that it left me confused. I was more accustomed to the noisy and emotionally violent breakups, the ones that gave me something to be angry about , something to cuss about. And here I was with nothing but just pain that almost didn’t seem to have a reason. I wanted to be angry but what was there to be angry about? I got very frustrated and desperate until I found myself in a pit of anger, and I was angry at myself.
I was angry because I allowed myself to love, I questioned myself and wondered why I thought it would be a good idea to love them. I loved without fear, I loved out loud, I showed my love in various ways any chance I got. I felt empty. It felt as though they had stolen something from me. I had bared it all and that was my fault because I had the control. I could have chosen not to. I could have gone without giving so much of myself and maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
Imagine being angry because you loved and the other person didn’t see value in your love. I was never wrong for loving the way I did because that is who I am. A shameless lover! This blog post is for shameless lovers because I know you have been here and I imagine it became harder to love the way you do out of fear. I remember days when I told myself that I wouldn’t love the way I did ever again, that it doesn’t benefit me. That was a lie.
See when I was loving the best way I knew how to, when I was sharing my light without fear or condition I was happy. They may dim the light now that I am no longer in their life but I know they needed it then and I have left a positive imprint behind. This is the life we should all strive for, one where we leave nothing but positivity in people’s hearts and minds. It’s what I chose to take with me from all the pain I had felt. What do you choose?