Wow! I played myself. 100% played myself! I walked into a trigger and had told myself I would never, lesson one trust your instincts. I watched surviving R Kelly, for those of you who are new to my blog I was abused as a child. I talk about it more in this blog post, you may read about it if you wish.
So here I was thinking I was strong enough to get through it and not feel too much. I am the clown in this situation. Episode one, R Kelly and his brother Carey both talk about being molested by a family member and not being able to talk about it, hello trigger! I should have stopped right there, I did not.
Let me pause right here and talk about that toxic trait that runs in our blood. Why do we protect ‘family,’ even when they are the snake we need to kill? We allow their venom to stay inside the abused children and just become a disease we can not control later. I have never understood why we choose a family name over the mental health of a child, this makes me so angry.
Well then, while you are protecting them this is what is happening:
Self-isolation and self-hatred. It always feels safer to be alone, the victim will not victimize themselves. Then in those moments of being alone, they begin to replay the incidents in their head. At this point, they are now very visual people and for every replay, hatred builds up in them. You would think it’s more logical to hate the predator, it doesn’t work that way. In their mind they are the problem, it’s their fault!
Anger issues. The anger stems from not being able to save yourself. In adulthood, you start to believe you are weak and because you believe this you try to hide it behind being very controlling. When the next person doesn’t listen to your command, you snap.
PTSD: Post-traumatic stress disorder- a disorder characterized by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. Little things could take you here for example if a whim of their cologne or perfume hits you. If you see a scarf they used to own and loved wearing. Being in the house that the abuse happened in. Hearing their name on a tv commercial. Read more on PTSD and it’s symptoms here.
Difficulty in saying “no” to sexual encounters. This goes on even their adult lives because saying no doesn’t have meaning to them anymore. Once upon a time, they said no and it did not work.
Suicidal thoughts. The victim has internalized everything, every memory of the numerous events, every emotion, all the anger. Either nobody believes them or nobody will believe them if they were to speak up so they battle with all this alone. It’s heavy to deal with flashbacks, depression, and anxiety. Suicide starts to look like the best way out. They die and so do their demons.
When you choose to protect whatever predator because of whatever reason, I am telling you today that the reason is not enough. It is not worth an innocent child’s mental health.
If you have a story to tell, get in touch with me, @nangu_ubu across all social media platforms. The more voices we have the louder the roar against child sexual abuse. Drop a comment, hit the like button and ay enjoy your weekend! CIAO!