Traditionally in most parts of Africa (and other parts of the world as well), when a woman is about to get married the female elders sit you down and give you “a talk” about what to do and what not to do in marriage. A big chunk of this is about your sex life. I did a little research on the subject and here are some assumptions women had going into marriage and what they learnt after being married:
Assumptions going in…
From the talk being predominantly about sex, a lot of women went into marriage thinking sex constitutes the majority of marriage. The moment you enter the bedroom it’s all clothes off and it’s time to get naughty. This will make them very hesitant going into marriage, thinking “what if I can’t walk for days after our first night” or similar thoughts.
During the talk, a list of reasons why a husband must always be fulfilled in the bedroom and not starved was given. It is implied that his gratification is more important than the woman’s. Climaxing or enjoying the deed was not needed, as long as he is happy. Do this to have a happy home.
This, no doubt, gives the woman an urge to please but takes away her freedom to enjoy or explore her sexuality and sexual abilities. She may even end up feeling trapped and not enjoy sex when it was created for pleasure.
What they should have said…
Sex is important but it is not the MOST important thing in marriage. You can please your husband in bed all you want but if he doesn’t love you he will always find a reason to venture out. If sex was all there was to it men wouldn’t marry they would just booty call you when they needed some, no need for you to stay over.
Another important thing they should mention in these talks is that (since they insist on major sexual education over any other marriage lesson) communication is key in any part of your relationship and this includes sexually! Enjoyment on both sides is essential for great sex and the only way to achieve this is if both parties know their partners and their preferences. Questions on style inclination, where to touch (or not to touch) and if they are satisfied will increase the overall experience.
Researching this was really fun and comforting, knowing that I wasn’t the only who thought certain silly things about sex getting into marriage. If only I knew then what I know now…
By Anesu Nhevera