There comes a time when you need to stop expecting someone to be who you want them to be to you. It doesn’t matter how much you want it for as long as they don’t want to be that then, it is not coming.
I write this with a broken heart and so much pain in me but I want to get past it because I am officially tired. I also write because I hope someone out there will read it and do better.
Firstly I need you to realize that life serves us differently and with each experience we go through we learn something from it. We learn to be tougher but in different ways. We learn to survive but in different ways. We learn to love, again this will never be the same. This is the first thing to need to get right because it will help you when it comes to your people skills.
Because of different experiences, our shells, skill sets and reactions will forever be different. You cannot shame someone for not being able to do things that you can do. It does not make you any better, you cannot weigh someone because of that.
This has happened to me on numerous occasions and because I’m not a confrontational person I just swallowed my words. This is one thing I wish God had gifted me with, the strength to speak up and stand up for myself. Instead I choke and hold onto things, I’m trying to communicate better but anxiety doesn’t make it any easy.
The worst part for me is that the person who continues to do this is someone who knows my background very well, someone who should rather be a shield for me other than the reason I continue to fear to try. I should be able to speak and not feel belittled and yet here we are.
I have had the hope for a better and greater bond but I guess life played a number on us both. I hate how I have taken the time out to understand who they are and why they do things the way they do but when it comes to me, its a different story. It feels like they expect me to mirror them, become more like them but that will never be the case. Because this is who I am. Those who love me will take me for who I am and I think that’s enough, it’s all we need in life after all.
I have decided to start letting go all the things I held on to. To stop expecting an apology, because I am a fool for expect one anyway. I’m going to stop expect to be understood and to be accepted as I am.
This is where I throw in the towel. When you try your hardest, you need to understand that you are not the problem. You have no power to change the other person, you only have the power to better yourself.
As I write this, I hear their voice in my head. They are defending themselves because they are always right. They are still saying I am being too weak for an adult. They are still saying it’s my fault. They are still trying to paint scenarios for me and speak horrible situations into my life just so I become them. Their words are harsh and scarring, their laughter loud with an echo.
I will wake up tomorrow and I will still feel and hear it all but I will be fine.
May we all do better as human beings. I’m not perfect I’m only learning too. To healing and letting go. CIAO