Previously on Becoming uBu, we have been talking about infidelity, catch up on the last two blogs here and here. This one is for the ladies because we all know how men handle this. Men will welcome both the women, they will shower them with compliments, laugh with them and break bread with them. They are champs at this! This made me wonder if me ever tell each other that they are messing up a good thing by cheating, hhhhmmmmm. Hi men, please comment and let us know!
I feel it’s a different ball game for women. Society has made such a big deal out of women cheating, we are whores when we cheat but men are men when they cheat, matter of fact they are powerful men when they cheat. This makes it very difficult conversation to have with one another out of fear of judgement. So sometimes, we say nothing.
But what do you do when you find out your best friend is cheating? I guess a few things come into play, how did you find out? Was it word on the streets, did you accidentally witness it or did they confess to you? Keep in mind that women are emotional beings, so the reaction to the discovery varies because for some it’s a celebration whilst for some it’s a trigger. So here are my 2 cents:
1. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY – this isn’t about you, this isn’t because you weren’t present enough, this isn’t your fault so stop it. Your friend is an individual who has every right to make such decisions for themselves. And that’s it. (If you struggle with this, here is a blog post on how to stop.)
2. DON’T OVER INVOLVE YOURSELF – it’s so easy to get involved in a bid to help your friend but this could scar your own relationship. The affair has 3 people, 4 is a crowd, please stay out of it. The best you can do is be a listening ear and nothing else, your opinions are yours sweety.
3. SET BOUNDARIES – very important! Acknowledge that you respect her decisions however you will not be the one to lie for her or be an alibi. Again I say this isn’t your battle.
4. DON’T PLAY COUNSELOR – this is why there are professionals for this, if she is in need of help do advise her to find a pro. What you don’t want is to be liable for the decisions she makes after because you advised her. Its potentially disastrous.
5. DON’T BE JUDGEMENTAL – who died and made you God? You have done your fair share of shoddy business so shoosh it! There is no sin greater than the other, we all make bad decisions, it doesn’t make us bad people. Give her the space to learn from her mistakes.
It is sticky and tricky ground isn’t it? I have been in these shoes before and I tell you what helped me, all of the above. I chose to never judge and just never let myself be too involved. I knew the day would come when they would figure it all out. The journey wasn’t mine, it was theirs.
As I was writing this one question kept nagging at me, and maybe you could help me out with it. What happens if infidelity is a trigger for you? After doing all of the above, do you make a conscious decision to distance yourself from your friend or do you close the door? What is the ‘right’ thing for you? Thoughts anyone?