Greetings from one people-pleaser to another, welcome to my journey to undo the damage I have done in the past.
Dare I say that was the best decision I have ever made for myself . The journey still goes on, I am constantly reminding myself not to fall into the trap.
My biggest weakness has been choosing myself, I always thought making other people happy would translate to my happiness. Instead of that what I experienced was unhappiness because I was stuck doing things I didn’t like.For example in high school I studied sciences because the people around me believed I was meant to be a doctor whilst ignoring the fact that I am CREATIVE.
Well, I definitely failed with flying colors and guess who wanted to go back and re-do it. Haaaaa ME! I was ready to make everyone happy but I thank God that something snapped in me, I was tired and I decided it was enough!
Friends and lovers are another set of people that we often want to please. Sucks losing friends and so sometimes we go above and beyond to keep them.
1.Name your feelings – it’s important to acknowledge what you are feeling and find the roof cause. Continuous burying of emotions leads to outbursts. Understanding your feelings will help you set boundaries.
2.Set the boundaries – start the conversation about setting boundaries and make yours clear. Explain why you find this to be important to you and how it helps you. This way, the other person is aware of your triggers.
3. Accept other people’s boundaries – you can’t expect people to listen to you and then you don’t listen to them. Understanding one another is very important in every relationship, so let them know that you value their honesty.
4. Practice saying no – you don’t have to explain yourself or your boundaries. ‘No,’ is a full sentence.
5. Let go of toxic friendships – as a people pleaser it always feels better to stay, I know but that relationship is only weighing you down. If the relationship is not serving both of you, leave. Read more about this here.
6. Boundary mantras are key – it feels selfish to set boundaries, because they protect you and some people will go as far as making you feel guilty for it. That’s why you need a boundary mantra in place, it reminds you why you set boundaries.
7. Remember the benefits – your well being has to be top of the list! So for every time, you set a boundary remember it’s for you, it’s a step towards a richer life. Lifting others up is not a bad thing, it becomes a problem when you do it whilst crossing your personal boundaries.
8. Watch who you speak to – there are things dear to your heart and heavy too that you can only share with people who truly understand you and care for you. Know the difference between your drinking buddy and your therapy buddy. Do not ever believe that baring all to someone means they will love you and hold you dear to their heart, it does not work that way.
9. Practice self-awareness – it’s one thing for other people to cross boundaries and it’s another for you to slip up. When you find yourself crossing your own boundaries, ask yourself why and think about what changes have happened around you. Find the solution that best suits you.
10. Make self-care a priority – say no to the Sunday outdoor vibes with the friends and take care of yourself. Again I say, it’s not wrong and it’s not selfish. It’s you looking out for you.
Raise your glass because you and I are about to learn to put ourselves first! This is honestly a tough journey because along the way you will lose people you love who just had you around because they were gaining. Family will call you stubborn and possibly shun you but in the end you will have yourself! We only live once so let us do it with smiles. CIAO!