Our parents know provision to be love. So for any time you yell, ‘you never loved me anyway!’ they respond, ‘I clothed you, I put you in school, I fed you if that isn’t love then that’s that!’ I know you have been here, especially if you are an African child.
In African homes talking about your emotions means you are weak. A ‘strong’ person feels from within and keeps a smile on their face. Tears are for the weak too. Our parents have a goal to fill up the bank and not sit down with their children to find out if they are emotionally ok.
Parents have chased big dreams and big names (not a bad thing by the way), ditched their children for other people to take care of so that later they can provide for the very same child. So they can turn around and say, ‘you are dressed well because I work hard.’ The emotional disconnect that lives between parent and child has such a big effect on the child even in their adult life.
IF I RELY ON ANOTHER PERSON I WILL BE DISAPPOINTED
How many people have you met that would rather carry the world than lean on anybody else? The fact that they wanted so bad for their parents to be there, to listen, to hold them through the dark days and they just never came through gets people into such spaces.
Emotional support and attention are as much of a basic need as clothing and food, and when it lacks, it hurts the child. So a lesson is learnt and embedded in them, ‘don’t you ever need anyone ever again.’ They take it with them everywhere they go because it protects them from getting hurt.
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
When the people you call mother and father never acknowledge you, your achievements and your strides this leaves a dent. You will find that these people who wear feel inadequate are so intelligent and have so much knowledge in them. But it will stay in them because they don’t believe they are who they are.
These individuals often choose to be invisible when conversations start happening. They choose to listen than to speak because they don’t trust they are good enough to contribute. They take fewer risks and generally don’t believe in themselves.
OTHER PEOPLE COME FIRST
It seems the peoples needs come before your needs because growing up your needs were never met. The decision-making process then has other people at the top of the list and you at the bottom. Sounds familiar?
You can barely say, ‘I need, ‘ because your parents never asked you what you needed, if you were ok or what you wanted. Automatically you believe that your needs are not important. It’s been said to be a principle to put other people first, listen, it’s toxic when you don’t take care of your needs.
Listen to me, you are important. If nobody else chose to put you first then you need to learn to put yourself first. It’s going to be hard and it will feel selfish because all you have known is that you do not matter. But I assure you, you matter.
Silence the voices in your head telling you that you ain’t good enough. You are the best at what you do, ask around and people will confirm my words.
Find someone who understands you, learn to trust them. Learn to talk about your emotions and you will find that not everybody is out to disappoint you. You can not do this life thing alone, we need one another, do not be an island.
Above all things you are awesome! And if you know you are awesome, comment below with ‘I am awesome!’ CIAO!