How An Abortion Made Me Question Motherhood

by | Mar 8, 2022 | Mental Health, Health & Wellness | 2 comments

I am a big fan of The Bold Type and I am sad that it will not be back for another season. I remain grateful that we got the 5 seasons, but this post is inspired by S4 E14 of the show. Allow me to paint the picture for you. Sutton had just gotten married to her lover, Richard. This was a wedding every loyal viewer had been waiting for. You can imagine our joy when we found out Sutton was pregnant. We weren’t half as excited as Richard was for their bundle of joy. Unfortunately, at their first ultrasound, they learned that Sutton had miscarried.

In the many television shows and movies we have watched the scenes to follow would be of a distraught woman. We would see a woman who won’t eat, open their blinds and drowns themselves in their tears. Not Sutton though. She was back at work, running her errands and chilling in her social circles. Everyone else around her seemed to be feeling what she was supposed to be feeling, yet she was in pursuit of the very same emotions. She went as far as taking on a job to style a baby boy in the hopes that she would finally break down and feel the expected “human emotions.”

After that job, tears finally ran down her face. She broke down out of guilt. The miscarriage left her feeling relieved that she wasn’t having a baby anymore. It was through this experience that she had a revelation, she was happy to live a childless life.

I have never related to a moment more than I did with this very one. I too found myself feeling relieved following an abortion procedure and I wondered if there was something broken inside of me. I remember listening to a woman who was trying to discourage me from going through with the procedure and I zoned out. I needed her to stop but she also held the directions to my final destination so I waited. When I finally sat in the room, silence surrounding me all I could do was beg God for forgiveness. I imagined that the days to follow would have me upset and drowning in regret. I felt none of that.

I did not have anyone to talk to about my situation. I wondered why I wasn’t feeling dread, was I a horrible person? I turned to the internet and searched for stories from women who had aborted. I found peace in reading those, some had later conceived and were happier because they felt they were ready. Some realised they did not want to be mothers at all. Where did I stand?

Whilst guilt was eating away inside of me for not feeling pain or regret, I started asking myself the one question I kept avoiding. Did I want to be a mother? It forced me to comb through the real emotions I was feeling. There was peace, happiness and relief inside of me. I closed my eyes and envisioned my life and at no point did I see children. I went into an immediate panic, I was not ready for that child then but why wasn’t my vision planning for them either?

The world I was raised in prepared me to be a mother and a wife. I nursed dolls in preparation for the day I noticed my period was late and the doctor congratulated me hours later for the journey of baking a mini-me. Who was I supposed to be if that was not my path? My new goal was to fix it and place those kids in my vision. About 8 months later, I talked myself into ‘baby fever,’ just so I could at least feel normal. My then-boyfriend bought into it and I convinced myself that I wanted to experience motherhood. I put on a facade that would have blown up in my face if I didn’t call it off.

Motherhood is a delicate task, you love without seizing, you nurture and you give. And the truth is we are all not cut out for this life-changing task. Our paths and destinies aren’t the same, feel no shame for choosing to live a childless life. The decisions you make daily impact the quality of life you will live, so be wise to yourself before anybody else. CIAO!

Updated Jan 23 2024