Loss has been something that I have experienced ever since I was young, at 7 years old I lost both my parents. I did not know that this was just the beginning, losing a parent is hard. If I were asked to explain what it felt like for me I would say it is as though parts of your being have been shredded and then stuck back on you. And the wind keeps blowing harder than it should, making it your responsibility to shield your shreds and keep them intact. The shreds barely heal, and that is your life forever.
I had lost family members, I had mourned them and buried them. I had lived with the pain of loss for so long but I was never prepared to mourn a friend. I didn’t know that the pain would be different, this felt a lot like congestion in one of my arteries. When I got the news that Shingi was no more, my brain could not compute it. I asked one of the most stupid questions, ‘How? How could this be when I spoke to him just the other day.’ As if our conversation was meant to save him. I cried at least four times a day for weeks, I held on to my pain cause I did not think anyone would understand.
The one thing I absolutely regret is that when he passed I was angry with him. The week before he passed we were on a group call with Dee and they both accused me of something that was untrue. They basically called me a liar and I was upset because they knew damn well they were lying. I got off the call, the next time my phone rang it was just Shingi and he held on to his narrative. Again I got off the call upset. During the third call, I was so distant and he picked it up but said he had to go to work and he would call me once he was done. He never called. I never called too.
It felt like I had wasted the time I had been blessed with, so what if he had called me a liar? It was never going to change the truth, the very truth he knew too. All I needed to do was express myself, tell him how that made me feel and get past it. I held onto it a little too long and never got the chance to fix it. I have never felt like I was carrying a heavier cloud than I have in that season. It’s unfortunate that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but I learnt it nonetheless.
We aren’t perfect, we mess up all the time. Holding onto things doesn’t change the hurt and mostly it does not communicate your feelings. Talk things out, give the other person a chance to understand your feelings. Give yourself the chance to make a good decision depending on the way they respond. There is no reason to drag things that can be talked out. I lost a friend that I loved so dearly and I do not know if he knew I loved him the way I did because I was being a bum. He taught me forgiveness and I hope this piece has taught you the same. CIAO!