There is that one saying we all love throwing around when someone we love has walked out of our lives, and it goes, ‘we meet people for a reason or a season.’ Such a comforting saying. We then follow it up with some heartfelt I love you’s in the hope that someone will come to hug the pain away. I am not subbing anybody because I am people, people is me! I met someone for one simple reason, to learn how I deserved to be loved.
Grab some wine, it is storytime! Or should I write a book and sell it to yall? Just kidding!
If you have read my book The Kings That Didn’t Need This Queen, you know the girl has been through it when it comes to love. I found myself feeling unworthy to be loved, I truly felt like I did not deserve to be chosen by anyone to be their forever. I was very scarred, my self-esteem was in hell and I almost took in another broken soul just so I can feel wanted. (Read that story here)
I met someone who allowed me to dig deeper and see the beauty that is love. They did not love me right, heck they loved me all the way wrong! They put me in second place, made me feel smaller than I had ever felt in my life. Validated the feelings that already lived in me. I found myself in a race with a woman that did not even know I existed, I wanted to win and be the forever after. I needed to be chosen, but never was I.
I remained as the other woman and it broke me. The gag is that when I was with this man, everything was easy. I was the happiest little girl on planet earth. When we spoke, hours felt like minutes. He understood me so much, it truly felt like I had met my soulmate. He was my definition of, ‘if he wants to he will.’ He felt safe. I suck at asking for help but he heard me nonetheless. When we argued or disagreed, it was with love and kindness. So how was it that the same person made me feel worthless? Where did those feelings come from? Why is that loving him hurt the same way being without him hurt?
Maybe because I misunderstood the assignment, he had not come in to stay but just to pass by. I have to take responsibility for my poor decision making in all this, I chose to believe I was in a race that needed to be won by me. I ignored the boundaries that I had set for myself, then went ahead and ignored a boundary written in the air too. I do not know what this man really wanted from me, but he did show me what I do deserve minus how small he made me feel. See not once did this man promise me forever or first place, I dreamt it and wanted it to be my reality. Such self-serving behaviour.
My story sounds like one of regret but I promise you that I do not regret it at all. If I could rate that side-chick experience it would be an 8/10 and that is the highest any relationship has ever ranked for me. I realized that love is easy, the stories of hardship we have been sold are just a set-up for us to accept it when it feels hard. Through it all I learnt that my worth does not lie in being chosen by anybody, I get to determine my worth. I learnt the importance of honouring my own boundaries, if I fail then why must those who come into my life respect my boundaries? In addition to that, I learnt that love should never be hard so if you find yourself breaking and losing yourself, it may be time to walk away.
NB:- If you are weak like me, leave the side-chick life alone! CIAO!